My New Dress: Dressing for Confidence and not to please or impress other people


I shall be going to a very big Christmas Dinner Party next week. There will be over a hundred people and it will be hosted by a company that last year had a masquerade theme. This year there is no theme except; dress formal. I shall do the unthinkable. I shall wear the same dress I wore last year.

What is interesting is that I do not remember what dress I wore last year. I do remember it cost quite a bit of money and that it felt a really good dress, so it will feel like it is a new dress. I was certainly not out of place in such a formal black and well-cut dress when I went last year.

I told various people I was going and they had immediately asked ‘have you bought a dress for the occasion?’. The assumption was that any new party required a new dress and I was meant to ‘treat myself’. When I replied I was not. People would say ‘but you have to treat yourself’. Many were surprised when I thought I treat myself alot daily but that buying a dress was not a neccesary ‘treat’.

When I told my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Supervision group they all thought it was wonderful, it was a completely different response to those who were in the outside world. In CBT one of the basics we learn is that most people think of themselves, people who go to a party are often thinking of their own perceived inadequacies. Very few people walk around thinking they are wonderful and everyone loves them. Most may feel that others are going to look at their ‘large nose’, their large bottom, or see they have not been promoted etc. Most are busy thinking and are too busy feeling out of place. I will wear what I wore last year and seriously who will really notice when most people are carrying their own concerns. I want to go to the party and meet people, not their clothes. I shall also save some time and money and as a behavioural experiment will see first hand if it really does or does not make any difference. After all if I ask my clients to also try new things, should’nt I also do the same?

Swine Flu and when pigs really dont fly



The number of swine flu deaths worldwide has now touched 700 people. It is a worldwide epidemic and can be very dangerous for the more vulnerable groups such as the elderly, the very young, the very old and people with certain respiratory conditions.

That is what we read about in the papers and Swine flu is just swine flu until it hits you. I had read about it for months and like many felt I would be in some way immune to it or it would gently pass me by in a soft sniffle and light dry cough. I would hear someone cough at the supermarket and wonder if they had swine flu, I would wonder if someone on the tube would pass it onto me. It certainly added to my paranoia and I had to remind myself often it was a thought and not necessarily true. Most people do not have swine flu.

That was not to be. Now I had swine flu. I had no idea where I had picked it up. The pain in my joints and muscles were intense. Within a day or two of taking Tamiflu I noticed how the pains went away. If you don’t have swine flu and take Tamiflu you may start to have the symptoms of swine flu on top of the flu you may have.

Symptoms of swine flu can be pains in joints and muscles, a lot of sneezing, dry cough and feeling very, very tired. The tiredness was all consuming and I found I had to sleep anywhere and anytime. It was like a toddler in a push-chair who suddenly flops and is out to the world.

It is important if you do have swine-flu to be indoors and near a place of rest. Take lots of hot drinks (not coffee or tea) but drinks which help cleanse and keep up your hydration levels. Drink soup or something warming for the throat. Keep up with your meals and rest. Talking is exhausting and try to limit its use. Even reading a book was exhausting or concentrating on watching tv was impossible.

Another very important sign of swine flu is confusion. I felt very confused and forgetful. I found I could not remember things nor think of things in a logical and systematic manner. For example, making toast requires toasting the bread, then buttering it, followed by putting jam on it. It is a process we usually take for granted but with swine flu it becomes confusing and we have to remember to use a knife and plate and what order to put the condiments on it.

I always think getting ill reminds me how fortunate I am to have good health when I do. It reminds me of my blessings and the life I do have. It takes getting swine flu or falling ill to remind me of this. As a very normal human being; I can be ungrateful, no matter how many blessings I try to add in my day. It does take quite a few weeks to fully recover from swine flu and each day does remind me of how blessed I am.

© 2009 Yasmin Headley

Maj Nidal Malik Hasan and Core-Beliefs

Last week Maj Nidal Malik Hasan killed 12 and wounded 31 people in Fort Hood, Texas. Fort Hood is an army base which covers a total of 340-square miles with multiple units, a corps headquarters and a robust mobilization mission. Fort Hood is a huge base and is known as being the largest active duty armoured post in the United States Armed Services. It is nicknamed ‘The Great Place’ because it offers an exceptional quality of life for those soldiers and families posted in the area.

Hasan is an army psychiatrist trained to help soldiers in distress. In this case he turned on the soldiers he was trained to help. What makes a person do what they do?

In my work with clients, a persons deep religious and spiritual beliefs can account for many behaviours, both helpful and unhelpful.

No matter how much the training an individual has had, our early learning will in the end come out. It seems to seep out no matter what we do or say. Our childhood environment and what we have learned in childhood is of exceptional importance and should never be underestimated.

No doubt people in the military think ‘military training’ will wipe out all former training. This is not possible. It would mean wiping out every former memory and event which has occurred in a person’s life in order to do so, then replacing each individual memory with a new one.

What does happen with any training is that the training itself – is attached to former learning we have accumulated and this then is organised and re-organised in the mind of an individual. If the new learning matches the values of the past learning then it sits easily. If it does not then problems can occur.

The individual and their own psyche are in the end always going to be there at the core. Our core beliefs are central to what and who we perceive ourselves to be. We protect them at all times and to delete, wipe out or eliminate the core belief will feel as though we are killing ourselves. It is itself our own death.

Understanding and changing our core beliefs are what is involved in much deeper psychological work and this requires the client’s willingness to let go and move to different and healthier beliefs. Hasan was in the end working for himself and his own motives. His deep core belief believes he is right.

The killing of others is not acceptable in the Muslim religion yet he killed. This is when the core belief – has been justified in order to maintain the belief. We can do it in everything we do. From the person who shoplifts and justifies it as being acceptable to steal from large corporations because they earn a lot of money. To the person who prangs a car in the car-park and drives away without leaving a note because they justify it as being acceptable because the other car must have insurance, or a car which must have belonged to someone rich.

Hasan’s act also was a violent expression of his core-beliefs being challenged. It serves as a reminder for us to think of our own deep core beliefs and how we may use them to maintain our own healthy and unhealthy behaviours. We may have some of our own deep-seated core-beliefs that are holding us back from growing and developing.

© 2009 Yasmin Headley

Is there a cure for Paedophilia?

Jaycee Lee Dugard was found in August. After going missing for 18 years, Jaycee a 29 year old woman, was reunited with her family. Jaycee had been kidnapped when she was 11 years old and kept by a man and a woman. She had been raped and had mothered two children. Her rapist and captor was a convicted sex offender. No one can imagine what may have been going through the mind of the 11 year old girl. To survive Jaycee would have had to adapt to her captors needs. Jaycee has been learning for the last 18 years to adapt to someone else’s requirements and demands.

Do Paedophiles have a hard rap? Or is society too lenient on them.

There are special groups in the United States and a subterranean world that believes ‘sex before 8 is great’

Sex with young men was thought as acceptable in Rome and Greece. The love of children sexually was thought as the highest form of love.

Paedophiles have had many treatment programmes created for them.

What is interesting is that it is assumed there is a cure for paedophilia. Unfortunately there is no cure for paedophilia.

It can be managed but not cured. Even physical castration is not a cure. Chemical castration is not certain either. It makes sense that castration would be a cure but look at male dogs that have been castrated. They still have their old habits and learned behaviours within them. They still mount other dogs and play sexually with other dogs even after years of castration. Our sexual nature is very deep within us and our brain is our main sex organ. All sexual offenders should be monitored even more closely. Paedophiles, until we are completely sure should not be released into society. There is talk about rates of re-offending and recidivism but the truth is they really do not know.

The profile of the paedophile is usually male and of high intelligence. They are articulate and able to explain themselves with clarity. They easily learn how to manipulate the system and are able to sound like they are ‘cured’ and have changed. But our sexual preferences are very much fixed. When someone likes sex with a woman they like sex with a woman. Hence it follows when they like sex with a child they like sex with a child. We cannot just change our preferences. The experiments of John Money with gender in the 1960’s and his failure to change the sexual preferences of an individual based on surgical procedures was unsuccessful.

I will leave you with what one convicted paedophile told a group in therapy

‘I wish I were an alcoholic. At least as an alcoholic I could be more accepted. I would rather see bottles of alcohol. Instead I see children.’

© 2009 Yasmin Headley

Lockerbie; The British Government and Positive Illusion.

Which way to Lockerbie?

So the British Government claims letting Abdul Baset Ali al-Megrahi go, (often known as the Lockerbie bomber) has nothing to do with any possible oil deals. Yes, maybe they show compassion to countries where there is no oil.

Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister of Britain says he is enraged because the Libyan government gave a heroes welcome to the Lockerbie Bomber.

Abdul Baset Ali al-Megrahi may be innocent. I do not know. He has a disadvantage because terrorists often claim they are innocent as their cause makes them innocent. If he is not a terrorist then his claims of innocence will stand. If he is a terrorist then his innocence will not stand. I have no idea. I was not in the court-room. I was not on the jury.

But what is interesting is the welcome that the Libyan leader personally gave to the Lockerbie bomber. Can it be believed that Gordon Brown who received assurances from the Libyan leader that there would be no celebrations – that there would be no celebrations, was believed? Is there naivety in the British Government? Has the Government shown this naivety before?

Often in therapy I have clients who will always believe others will change. The wife with years of domestic abuse so often still believes her husband will change and will one day, suddenly treat her with the love and respect she wants. It often does not happen.

Or the employee who works in an abusive environment believes his boss will change and suddenly give him what he deserves. It rarely happens.

The child who was abused by his parents grows up and still hopes and believes that his parents will change and love him. They rarely do.

These are conditions that we set out as individuals. As individuals we have what is called ‘Positive Illusion’. This dream and belief that things can change. It often stops us as individuals from changing as we expect an outside figure and outside individual to do the changing.

As a public figure and Prime Minister what are we to do when we deal with individuals who have a history, what is to be expected? We would first check on the individual’s history and then from that history are able to make certain judgements on the possible outcome and expected behaviour.

Insurance companies do it when preparing insurance quotes. Would you insure someone who was banned from driving? Would you insure someone who has a criminal record, a history of car accidents and 9 points (12 points is the maximum before you can get banned from driving in the UK) on their driving licence? If you did wouldn’t you make the insurance quote so high it would be impossible to pay?

Or a client of mine years ago who was an alcoholic and had met a man who was also an alcoholic. She believed in his innocence even though he had a record of having abused a minor years ago. He was now on charges of incest with his under aged daughter. She still believed him when he professed his innocence.

The Scottish flag ran high on Abdul Baset Ali al-Megrahi’s return to Tripoli. Scotland has the highest rate of heart attacks in the world. Levels of obesity are high. This is the land of chocolate mars bars deep-fried in batter. It is a beautiful green country far removed from the arid barren landscapes of Libya.We will never really know what is going on. We are only on the ground. We may find out in 25 years when the files to what really happened are open, meanwhile the Official Secrets Act will remain in force. Most of us will not be here. I do hope this will allow people to think more on how we are often fooled by the imaginary, by Positive Illusions. Individuals can be fooled and so can governments. How much do we ourselves want Positive Illusions to also affect us in our own lives?

© 2009 Yasmin Headley

Michele Obama’s Shorts and on Thinking Good

I note some commentary in the press in August on Michele Obamas shorts. How interesting someone wearing shorts could take up so much space in ink and ether.

No shorts accepted - only formal wear

I grew up in the far East where laws seem to be set on what a woman could or could not wear. There seemed to be rules on what was acceptable or not acceptable. These rules seem to permeate even those who live in the Whitehouse. It looks like no one is free from comment.

If the eyes do not see, then there would be no comment. It is not so much the wearer of the garment that interests me. It is the eyes and words of the person who makes the comment which interests me. Why is it printed where it is printed?

Why do women in shorts interest the person? What rules does the person commenting on it live by? Is that the only impediment that appears to disturb the person or are there other matters that also interest the person.

I have had clients who came to see me and were disturbed by the clothes women may wear. Some felt women were ‘asking for it’ when they dressed so provocatively. Some thought only pretty women should dress well. The ugly women should be hidden. Others thought there were rules on what a women should or should not wear depending upon her age. Some believed elderly women should only walk around in dark clothing and hide their bodies.

I have never ever had a client come to me disturbed by clothing men may wear.

Women appear to have more rules and restrictions on what they may or may not wear then men do. What is inside and a persons heart is more hidden. Someone could be dressed in the finest of silver and the most gorgeous of outfits but their heart and their soul could be so black it needs hidden by such finery.

Why do writers worry about the clothing or cellulite of women? Is that the easy way out? A simple way of looking at life? Why are women limited so much by appearances? Does this hold us back from developing further?

More women suffer from Body dysmorphic disorder or Body dysmorphia, as it is more commonly known. People who have this disorder are obsessively concerned and preoccupied by some self-perceived defect. This disorder does not appear to occur in cultures where there is little advertising and commercial development.

There is such an emphasis on looking good but not on thinking good. Depression rates are high for women. It may be time to change the emphasis to address what is really going on. Our minds are precious fine instruments which will be with us all our lives. The body will change and age but the mind can grow and develop with time. The minds maturity will be the blessing we need in our old age.

© 2009 Yasmin Headley

Michael Jackson and on Living Forever

Did Michael Jackson really die? I attended his memorial service in Los Angeles in July 2009. I saw his casket but was he really in it? Over 16,000 people attended the service at the Staples Center and over 31 million watched it on TV and many more online. It was very well organised considering it was at such short notice. There was a great deal of security; police on horses, police barriers and a large contingent of media from all over the world.

Michael Jackson Memorial Service

For many years now, a great deal has circulated in the press and media regarding his sexuality and his eccentric behaviour. It appears that in death, his originality and music seems to be now more acknowledged. Why does there seem to be less criticism when someone dies? Do the dead hear more then the living?

The rumours still fly around. There is still a question over the whereabouts of his body. People at the memorial would shout ‘I love you Michael’ as though he was there to hear them. One of the people seated next to me said she was expecting him to jump out of his casket and do a moon-walk. Celebrities do not seem to die, they live forever.

People from around the world came to Los Angeles. Ordinary people who had grown up with the music of Michael Jackson. Many wrote on the Wall Memorial outside Memorial Service at the Staples center.

Michael Jackson Wall Memorial

Celebrities – that is a strange word isn’t it? It appears to be for famous people. They have ‘A’ lists. ‘B’ Lists. Are there ‘C’ lists? Then it seems to jump to ‘Z’ lists. Who decides who is on what list? Is it another ‘A’ list person or someone quite insignificant in the cutting room floor of an movie editing chop shop? Is it based on annual income? Popularity – how is that measured? Is that measured by Google hits? Michael Jackson seems to be a celebrity. Yet celebrities are not necessarily celebrated. They also appear to be vilified, shunned, and criticised. Pick up any gossip magazine and there seems an emphasis on catching the cellulite, bad taste in clothes or partners (according to the writers) of the articles. Bad news and bad smells seem to sell. Who wants to buy good news?

Barack Obama said Michael Jackson had’ lived a tragic life’. He did. He seemed to be searching for something but never found it. He seemed to find it in objects to fill his home. Large art objects rather then people. All of us have to age but Michael Jackson did not have to age. Michael Jackson was 50 when he died. A 50 year old man. Someone who had lived for half a century. You would never have known it. 50 – he was practically an older man. He was a man and not a boy. Why was there such an interest in his death? What were the reasons you or I were interested in his death? Or not interested? Was it his life or his death? The many people I talked to were shocked that he could die. It seems like celebrities live forever. As long as they are on print they seem to live. Their ‘celebrityness’ seems to guarantee immortality. What about the rest of us? The non-celebrity. Those who live as people. We seem to be guaranteed to die. How many will attend our funeral? How many will remember us? How would you like to be remembered? What has been important for you in your life? Will who has been important to you be coming to your funeral and also be celebrating your life and mourning your death? Most of us do not live forever and will have a limited time to apportion our lives. Our time keeps ticking by and our use-by date rapidly approaches.

We will not know for awhile how Michael Jackson will really be remembered. Things will come out at the trial and more will be revealed with time. We have just found out that his children he claimed were biologically fathered by him are not his own. In time more will come out. Probably more then I would want to find out.

Whatever we do or have had done to us in the past will surface. It is very rare and hard to hide matters. Any secrets, any thing we may do or say will come out in the future no matter how hard we may try to hide it. Matters we were not aware of will surface. In the past it was often thought children do not matter, ‘it does not matter what you do to them because they will forget it’. or that ‘children do not remember things’. The reality is that if a child is very young they will remember the feelings and maybe even the images. If they are older they will be able to remember and associate the words to the events. There is always a memory somewhere and these do come out eventually through our thoughts, words and actions. It is truly the wise who know and are aware of themselves at the highest level.

© 2009 Yasmin Headley

The Senator and The Lie

So now a Senator from the US has been caught out. This is not the first time a Senator has been exposed. Many are not caught out so blatantly or publicly. But here was a man who seemed to be set on the repeat button of a DVD player, being replayed again and again. There has been much in the news on Senator John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth. What makes a person lie again and again? What is it that makes those being lied to accept it again and again? Is it some delusion and mixing of the truth or is it more. Why do our eyes not see the lies?

Often in therapy clients come to therapy because they realise that some truth they believe as a truth is a truth no more. Families often have a history a code within which they operate, which ranges from extreme abuse to growth and a secure base.

A woman came to see me a few years ago. She had grown up always trusting her parents and what they said as being the ultimate in truth. She had been told never to repeat whatever happened in the home to anyone outside the home – not in school, not to her friends, not to anyone in authority. It turns out that both her parents were molesting her. She was a victim of incest from both her parents. She had thought that everyone also was exposed to the same fate. All families were the same. It was purely by chance at secondary school she discovered how wrong she was during a sex education class. That moment of truth changed her life.

Most of us do not have such experiences. But we do have other experiences which may colour our lives into believing it applies everywhere. I have often had clients whose mothers loved them so much anything they said was exceptional – no matter how mundane or dull. These clients often suffered when they went out into the real world. The world holds us to a higher standard. Their parents did not and would not hold them responsible for their actions and their words. These were the ‘too loved’ children and nothing would be discoloured by their words or actions. Boys and girls then grow up to men and women who marry and also learn to continue lying. The lines between lies and truths would never be discoloured nor discovered.

Exceptions to this rule I have found to be three things – three shocks which often wake up those who are being ‘lied to’. The ‘lied to’ suddenly stop closing their eyes. Was it not the first ever reason why the ‘liar’ married the ‘lied to’? because their eyes were so beautifully shut?

What are the reasons which often open eyes you may ask?

1. Money. The fear of loss of money or sudden wealth can change how people are. They start to look with new eyes at things and those around them. many discover now around the recession as to whether they really meant to partner up with the person they are with now.

1. Illness. It is when people are ill their eyes open up. A fear of death and loss opens up the lied to in many ways. Lies do not have the same effect to those who are ill. It is as though the heart opens up when the eyes are closed.

1. Death. When someone close dies then the lied to cannot keep their eyes closed. Sleep is not possible any longer.

What though really makes someone lie? In this case the fear of abandonment is often at the root of the matter. The Senators wife was dying – in remission or not. She still had a greater potential to leave him. The older we are the more likely we are to die. It is a statistical probability that cannot be ignored. Add illness to that mix and the fear of abandonment is doubled. In fact the fear of abandonment has no fixed multiplier. It can be tripled. Quadrupled or more. The fear of abandonment is the ultimate fear.

It is when facing possible abandonment that we will find find if we have the strength and moral courage to act with compassion and inner silence. It is then we are tested. It is the hardest test we can have put upon us and not many of us will escape unscathed.

© 2009 Yasmin Headley